But when I met my partner and hit 30 I realised I had so much to offer. We had met when I was 28 so my biological clock was banging in my ears my need to nurture was strong. I loved the thrill and the buzz of corporate life but I was tired of the office politics and my spiritual side yearned calm.
Almost by default Ive been at home with my children for a long time now. It was never the intention. I was always very career minded very driven. In some ways before I had my first daughter I had burnt myself out. That determination and tenacity given with a love of burning the candle at both ends meant I was running on empty most of the time. My work was my passion I was good at it. I always felt I had something to prove.
After some persuading him that is;) we starting trying for a baby. My natural assumption was we’d fall pregnant straight away. I like most single girls in their 20’s had spent years desperately trying not to fall pregnant. It didn’t occur to me that it wouldn’t happen straight away. Unlike so many we only had to wait months for the much wanted positive result. But what those months taught me was never take anything for granted. It could have so easily gone the other way. Thousands so seemly healthy couples have unexplained fertility. No real reason just wont happen. Those months I went through a form of grief and as the months ticked by I convinced myself that Id never be a mother.
So when a healthy 8 pound girl was born naturally into water my Daisy. My beautiful sunny Daisy was my world.
I was due to go back to work after my maternity leave. It wasn’t a choice I was looking at other more flexible options but it was necessary. I was on a good salary and we needed the money to move house and grow. The quirky house Id so loved where we had so many kitchen parties now annoyed me. I didn’t want to leave my pram in the living room or have a downstairs bathroom that was cold. I wanted a family home. So when my partner was offered a big salary increase to move and set up an office in Luxembourg for 18mths it seemed scary but ideal.
Fast forward 12 years and 3 more children, 2 cats and a dog later we are still here. For years I was desperately homesick but since moving into our own home I have found an inner peace.
I feel fortunate Ive been able to nurture and care for my children. Be apart of creating so many memories. Hot chocolate and marsh-mellows on cold winter days. Impromptu after school picnics, bedtime stories, dinnertime conversation. Who knows if Id gone back to work earlier these are moments in time you can never get back.
But now the time is right for me to forge my part in the world. I want to do something for me, feel important again have my own identity. Earn my own money. Make my children proud.
And although I want this so desperately Im scared. When you are at home for so long you loose your confidence you doubt yourself and whether you can be the person you once were. You run your ship tight, know the routine inside out, can multitask triple task you name it you can do it. But can you stand up in a room full of people and sell a solution successfully again?
Ive waited a long time, had countless TED talks from friends encouraging me, motivating me and so I waited till now when all my ducks were firmly in their row to start. Im lucky to have some truly wonderful friends, strong inspiring women ( and men) who champion me and make me believe again in myself.
Ive began to realise that rather than being at a disadvantage Im actually better than I was before.
Wisdom, patience and empathy aren’t really something you can learn. They develop over time, the ability to put yourself in their shoes, make them believe in you the person rather than the brand is key.
So now rather than feeling like a washed up 46 year old I feel excited ( maybe still a little nervous) about my future.
Ok, I know I will get rejections. I know that some will feel my time at home too long. I also know that initially juggling will be difficult but Im prepared for that.
I feel stronger than I have done in a long time. I know myself, my triggers and unlike in my 20’s how to care for myself.
And so my personal journey begins.I just hope I find a company who also believes in me x
Thank you for reading. I still haven’t been brave enough to publish this on any of my social media settings or I have really told anyone.
Any constructive feedback positive or negative is very much appreciated. I apologize for any grammatical errors but I just write and post before I change my mind. Thanks again x
4 responses to “The time has come……”
Lovely honest post. I didn’t always share my posts on social media but I’ve pushed past that fear now I just do it. Although it’s taken me a couple of years to do this. too feel scared right now because Flynn is going to be moving away. It’s a big change. We will get through it though
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Thank u so much I really value your opinion. My fear is it’s not that good and I will embarrass myself in front of friends. Just writing this blog has been good therapy for me. I hope soon I’m brave enough to share it. I’ll FaceTime you to chat about Flynn xxx
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I felt the same worried what others would think, would they find my writing odd etc. However when I started it’s definitely helped me so much, like you say a therapy and it’s a good creative outlet too.
You have wisdom and experience on your side. Good Luck! 🌟✨💫
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