Monday I was fine. Walked Chloe with a friend the sun was shining it was one of those Autumn days you wish happened everyday. Bright blue sky, orange leaves on the trees just perfect.
Then Monday evening I started to ache. Shivery, achy typical symptoms for a cold. “Have you done a covid test” was one of the first things I was asked so although not a fan I dufully did. NEGATIVE. My immediate reaction was well. If I don’t have covid then I must be ok. How quickly you forget that pre pandemic people did get sick and a heavy cold although generally not life threatening can cause you to feel pretty rubbish.
When I get a cold it always effects my eyes. I was sneezing constantly my eyes looked sore and red like Id been crying. I felt like my power had been zapped out of me. And i was so bloody tired but still i carried on. No I’m not a super mum or a martyr but when there is no one to hand the baton to what choice do you have? Im used to being strong, I make lists. Mammoth lists of “Things to do” once Ive had my coffee Im off doing tasks, multi tasking often taking on too many and thinking wtf have I started! I have this work effect built in to me that to admit that Im not feeling good, that I need to rest is almost a weakness. I’ve always thought it was the right thing to drag myself out of bed even on sick days. Even when I was pregnant I scoffed at people who napped. As I rarely napped soldiering on relentless. But where has that come from? My parents are both hard working. My mum had several jobs when we were children to make ends meet. So as they worked if we were sick they would have to take a day off. So, we were rarely sick from school. I remember a time where I hadn’t done my homework desperate for a day off Id rehearsed my entry to my parents room. Eyes wet with water from the sink, wobbly voice, face pinched to make it look red… “Mum I really dont feel well”….
“Oh you’ll be ok once you’ve splashed your face with water, come on get dressed”….. grrrrrrrrrr
But obviously there were days when we were not well. Walking back and from school meant we did get the seasonal chills. And Id remember on those days Id be on the sofa with my duvet and a hot water bottle. Telly on and all my favorite comics sprawled beside me. All Ive have to do is shout “Mum” and Id get a drink.
But its different when you are an adult, when you have people who depend on you. You are that person filling the hot water bottle or slicing lemons with ginger.
And feeling like this has made me feel sad this week. Im sad that i feel weak, that I have no strength or energy. That I haven’t accomplished anything this week. Decluttered nothing not even sorted out a drawer……. Silly I know but thats how I have felt my emotions heightened, likely to cry at the drop of a hat. But this is a glitch, just a few days. Some people feel like this everyday. When even the most minor task completed is an achievement. When everyday is like climbing a mountain.
Writing this blog is for me like therapy. I have plenty of funny stories to tell but also its about life. My life and perhaps yours if you can relate. How life isn’t always shiny and perfect. Sometimes its dark and sad. And we can be sad for no other reason than a silly cold. Yes we can do gratitude lists, and meditate and plan our lives on Pinterest. But its also ok to sit on the sofa with a bottle of wine and a bar or chocolate and cry ugly big tears at a sad film. For me yesterday it was The starling. ( when I was alone I might add……) be kind and thank you for reading x