Wineoclockmama in luxembourg

When those negative feelings drift into your midst it’s usually without warning.

I woke up very early just like that one morning this week.

Something woke me perhaps the cat stretching out between us or my partner snoring but there I was wide awake at 3am.

There was no reason for me to be awake and I laid quietly thinking in the dark then the sadness began to grow quite irrationally galvanising into something bigger as I started to think about the concept of time and how quickly 10 years has passed.

Then my thoughts turned to my parents and whether they are going to be here in 10 years and what I’d do without them.

I spoke to my Dad yesterday they are both in good health, good be healthier but they are fine.

There in the darkness I could feel the familiar fingers of fear and panic take their hold.

Tears prickled as I imagined life without them.

I thought in the darkness when it felt like the whole world was asleep is anyone else sad right now?

That day is inevitable but to worry about it before is a waste.

I didn’t want to feel like this I needed sleep as I had a busy day ahead.

The house would start moving at 6am. Doors banging, showers running, radio blaring all with or without the fact that I’d only had 3 hours sleep.

I needed to shut down these feelings.

I did manage eventually as I’ve taught myself over the years to do this by opening small cupboards in my head and stuffing those negative feelings in.

When the panic emerges it can be all consuming wanting to gobble me up so you it’s not easy.

Most of the time when these days come it’s hard to bat away those feeling as like a wasp round a lolly they keep coming back.

They are now few and far between thankfully but still always there on the trajectory.

I recognize their calling card the feeling I get in the pit of my stomach how the anxiety makes me feel.

So on those days I try to be kind to myself and just go with it.

It’s hard but for me that’s the only way.

Today I’m happy to say is a good day.

I hope your day is good too.

Thank you for reading x