I’ve had a few of those…

My Grandad in the hospital his breathing gradually becoming more laboured as the nurse says gently “it’s not long now”

Holding his hand desperately wanting to pull him back from that light.

My mother in law fragile as a bird her body ravaged by cancer saying goodbye after Christmas.

Standing on the doorstep of our house knowing that she would never return. As she smiled knowingly and waved from the car window.

All of the above were so desperately hard, still after all these years they make me sad thinking about them.

But I think the hardest was leaving the Uk after having my first daughter.

As a teenager and young adult my relationship with my parents in particular my mum was tough.

Like most teenagers I was rebellious and thought them to be the most boring couple in the world.

When I became a mother it calmed me. Suddenly the place I had been so desperate to escape became home. My sister and best friend had babies the same time plus then another friend so between the four of us we had our very own baby club.

My mum and Grandmother all lived close and I enjoyed our new relationship.

Being able to pop in or meet for a coffee I loved it.

When an opportunity came for my partner and I to move country I was hesitant but it seemed the right thing to do.

He was adamant it was the right thing for us but as it loomed closer I had my doubts.

I was leaving so much behind. My family, friends, pets house.

It was only temporarily so I agreed.

I remember as we packed up my little house sitting on the decking outside with one of my cats sobbing, Huge ugly tears that make you breathless.

We had a party to say goodbye. It was a boiling hot day. My Nan was so sad she sat in the sun all day and refused a drink. We thought she was being stubborn but on hindsight I know she was upset us going.

We were very close, always had been, I used to cycle to her house in my lunch break when I was pregnant. Then just chat while I stuffed my face with cake.

I remember seeing my mum cuddling her two Granddaughter’s tears in her eyes the girls already the best of friends only 9 months apart.

My heart was ❤️ in pieces.

It was without doubt the hardest and most lonely time of my life.

Thank you 🙏